Modern Day Eve

I have always had issues with control. Often times, I have felt like Eve … unable to trust that God had good things planned for me and unable to sit back and wait for them … so quick to do things on my own terms, eat the fruit from the tree because, like Eve, I know better than God.

This struggle has affected my life in minor ways - leaving me worried about parties at my house. Is the food good enough? Is there enough of it? Is the house clean enough? Will everyone have fun? Or Thanksgiving dinner at my grandparents’ house - if I didn’t take responsibility for seating arrangements, who would? I allowed my need to handle all of these pieces of my life to leave me stressed beyond relief. I have been like Martha more times than not … so busy trying to manage everything and everyone all on my own that I missed the big picture and the greater Power.

However minor the repercussions for my Martha moments, my sin led to much greater consequences in major areas of my life. I had always planned on being married, having a family, and I just knew that God had that in His plan for me too. When I graduated high school and God didn’t just drop the man of my dreams into my lap, I started to question Him. I found someone who wasn’t 100% the man I knew God wanted for me, but he was close enough. After two years of backsliding in my relationship with God, I broke up with this guy. I expected to feel immediate relief and closeness with Christ. Part of me was waiting for the new miracle guy to be packaged and delivered. I moved onto guy after guy following my own heart and my own guidelines instead of the Lord’s. I finally gave up completely with the “knowledge” that God wasn’t working for me. He wasn’t doing anything for me and I would never be married, so I knowingly and willingly committed sin after sin without thought for how it would affect my life and my future. I still believed in God, but couldn’t figure out how to trust Him in any capacity. This led me to a place of hopelessness and depression.

We can only be rescued from a place that dark and deep and lonely by a Savior. Amazing how my life turned around when I allowed myself to start listening to God and following Him again. I was casually looking for someone to date, but I didn’t have any expectations. I received a message through an online dating site from a guy who wasn’t exactly what I had been looking for. He was divorced, had two kids, and was unabashedly on fire for Jesus Christ. With my Christianity running lukewarm, I was unsure about how compatible I would be with someone like that. But I took a step in faith and moved towards this man. We talked for a short time and then decided to meet. Our first date was nothing like I thought … I wasn’t turned off at all by him or his relationship with God. He was effervescent with God’s love and even though I couldn’t completely see it at the time, I was so attracted to God’s light shining through Dan.

Some would think that being in a relationship with a wonderful man is my happily ever after and though it’s amazing, it’s a small drop in the middle of an ocean of blessings. My relationship with Christ has been re-awakened and has grown deeper and richer. I learned to forgive myself, since Christ's blood replaced my sin with righteousness. My lukewarm faith has been brought to a boil and though I’m still far from perfect, I am thankful for the wellspring of life bubbling in me. This has also benefited the small stuff too - like at the Easter dinner this year when my entire family found their seats at the table without any guidance from me.

Now I’m open to being used by this mighty, awesome God and can only pray that others can find His love and grace and power through me. I am fully trusting Him and His plan for my life, whatever that may entail. His plans are greater than my own and letting go and waiting on Him fills my life with a peace and freedom and joy. I’ve heard several times over the past couple months that though I may search for an area of my life that I can control better than God, I will never find even one. My life has proven the truth of that statement. God is good - all the time and all the time - God is good. My life is just one example of His incredible grace and faithfulness and all the blessings that come from relying on Him.